Re: [asianamericanromance] How to Get Your Ex-Back

I've seen it work and I've seen it fail. If it's someone you had a long relationship with and broke up recently, you both need to be honest in looking at what went wrong, fixing it, and being careful that similar problems either don't come up or are resolved quickly if they do.

If you've been apart a long time or something like an old school crush that you didn't follow through on, take your time and get to know them thoroughly as they are now! We all change with time to some degree, hopefully with more maturity and wisdom. But don't assume they are just the same as they were back then!

John S.

In a message dated 6/21/2010 2:27:48 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time, khwan@khwan.com writes:

So has any Group Members here ever try to get Ex back? And did it work? Or do you know anyone who tried? Is this ever a good idea?

KHWAN

How to Get Your Ex-Back

After careful and thoughtful consideration, you've decided that your ex was really Mr. Right. Now what? Here is a six-step plan for a second chance at romance.

By Molly Triffin

$Couple holding hands on the street\\"How to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back"\\Photo: Tamara Schlesinger, courtesy of Cosmopolitan$

Is there a woman out there who isn't a little bit haunted by that "one who got away"? You know: the ex you regret breaking up with, or the guy friend you had a secret crush on in high school, or the hot summer fling you wish had turned into more ... Oh well, he's nice to fantasize about occasionally, but he's a lost cause, right?

Not necessarily. In fact, "retrosexual romances" seem to be the hottest hook-up trend out there — courtesy of Facebook and other social networking sites that make it super-easy to reconnect with an old flame. But should you? Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love, shares the deets on whether to dig back into the past, and, if you do, how to work a happy reunion.

1. Before contacting your ex, ask yourself two key questions. First, do you truly harbor feelings for him — or are you possibly just bored or sick of being single? Don't go there unless you're positive you're still into him. Second, was your past relationship with him healthy? It's much easier to recall all the great things about a guy than to bring to mind the bad stuff, like how you fought all the time or how unmotivated he was. Make an honest assessment of your past bond to avoid falling back into a negative situation.

2. If your answer to both questions was "yes", go ahead and reach out. Start off super-casual to take the temperature of things. Say something like, "It was so nice to see your name on Facebook! How are you?" His response will reveal a lot. If his reply is short and curt ("Hey there, hope all's well.") that's not a good sign. If he's effusive (think exclamation points or a smiley face) and asks you questions about yourself, that's a green light to take things a step further.

3. One last thing before asking him out: Figure out whether he's single. If he doesn't list his relationship status online, check out his Facebook photos to see whether the same girl reappears in various cozy poses with him. Or you can subtly feel him out by asking, in a Facebook message or e-mail, about old friends you both had, and then segue into a conversation about his personal life in general. Hopefully his love situation will come up.

4. Good response so far? Suggest a short, low-key meet-up, like going out for coffee. It's neutral, so you're not putting yourself on the line too much if the romantic interest isn't there on his part. Or, propose revisiting one of your old haunts, like the bar where you used to meet after work, or your favorite Thai restaurant from back in the day. Being in that familiar environment will trigger memories of the past.

5. During your rendezvous, casually reminisce about funny, romantic, or exciting times you had together — like a fantastic trip you took or how you first met. It'll conjure up the feelings you had then. And find a way to subtly make physical contact, like letting your knees touch his under the table. Notice if he pulls away or relaxes into you.

6. Wait, don't carried away quite yet! Remind yourself of why things didn't work out the first time around and look for clues to whether things would be any different now. If you broke up because he partied too hard, for instance, notice how much he drinks or how he talks about his nightlife. It would be a bummer to get back together only to discover that the same problems are still haunting you. So take it slow and trust your gut.

__._,_.___

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Re: [asianamericanromance] Re:Are you being too picky?

What works for me is someone I accept as who they are who accepts me as I am.

John S.

In a message dated 6/21/2010 1:26:57 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time, hab77@hotmail.com writes:

i agree with that in any race

To: asianamericanromance@yahoogroups.com
From: rania441@yahoo.com
Date: Tue, 19 Jan 2038 05:14:07 +0200
Subject: [asianamericanromance] Re:Are you being too picky?

MOST women are too picky! They need to look in the mirror and be honest with what they have to offer before they start making lists of demands for their partners. IMHO

__._,_.___

__,_._,___

[asianamericanromance] How to Get Your Ex-Back

So has any Group Members here ever try to get Ex back? And did it work? Or do you know anyone who tried? Is this ever a good idea?

KHWAN

How to Get Your Ex-Back

After careful and thoughtful consideration, you've decided that your ex was really Mr. Right. Now what? Here is a six-step plan for a second chance at romance.

By Molly Triffin

$Couple holding hands on the street\\"How to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back"\\Photo: Tamara Schlesinger, courtesy of Cosmopolitan$

Is there a woman out there who isn't a little bit haunted by that "one who got away"? You know: the ex you regret breaking up with, or the guy friend you had a secret crush on in high school, or the hot summer fling you wish had turned into more ... Oh well, he's nice to fantasize about occasionally, but he's a lost cause, right?

Not necessarily. In fact, "retrosexual romances" seem to be the hottest hook-up trend out there — courtesy of Facebook and other social networking sites that make it super-easy to reconnect with an old flame. But should you? Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love, shares the deets on whether to dig back into the past, and, if you do, how to work a happy reunion.

1. Before contacting your ex, ask yourself two key questions. First, do you truly harbor feelings for him — or are you possibly just bored or sick of being single? Don't go there unless you're positive you're still into him. Second, was your past relationship with him healthy? It's much easier to recall all the great things about a guy than to bring to mind the bad stuff, like how you fought all the time or how unmotivated he was. Make an honest assessment of your past bond to avoid falling back into a negative situation.

2. If your answer to both questions was "yes", go ahead and reach out. Start off super-casual to take the temperature of things. Say something like, "It was so nice to see your name on Facebook! How are you?" His response will reveal a lot. If his reply is short and curt ("Hey there, hope all's well.") that's not a good sign. If he's effusive (think exclamation points or a smiley face) and asks you questions about yourself, that's a green light to take things a step further.

3. One last thing before asking him out: Figure out whether he's single. If he doesn't list his relationship status online, check out his Facebook photos to see whether the same girl reappears in various cozy poses with him. Or you can subtly feel him out by asking, in a Facebook message or e-mail, about old friends you both had, and then segue into a conversation about his personal life in general. Hopefully his love situation will come up.

4. Good response so far? Suggest a short, low-key meet-up, like going out for coffee. It's neutral, so you're not putting yourself on the line too much if the romantic interest isn't there on his part. Or, propose revisiting one of your old haunts, like the bar where you used to meet after work, or your favorite Thai restaurant from back in the day. Being in that familiar environment will trigger memories of the past.

5. During your rendezvous, casually reminisce about funny, romantic, or exciting times you had together — like a fantastic trip you took or how you first met. It'll conjure up the feelings you had then. And find a way to subtly make physical contact, like letting your knees touch his under the table. Notice if he pulls away or relaxes into you.

6. Wait, don't carried away quite yet! Remind yourself of why things didn't work out the first time around and look for clues to whether things would be any different now. If you broke up because he partied too hard, for instance, notice how much he drinks or how he talks about his nightlife. It would be a bummer to get back together only to discover that the same problems are still haunting you. So take it slow and trust your gut.

__._,_.___

__,_._,___

RE: [asianamericanromance] Re:Are you being too picky?

i agree with that in any race

To: asianamericanromance@yahoogroups.com
From: rania441@yahoo.com
Date: Tue, 19 Jan 2038 05:14:07 +0200
Subject: [asianamericanromance] Re:Are you being too picky?

MOST women are too picky! They need to look in the mirror and be honest with what they have to offer before they start making lists of demands for their partners. IMHO

__._,_.___

__,_._,___

[asianamericanromance] Re:Are you being too picky?

Very Good Ms Black

__._,_.___

__,_._,___

Re: [asianamericanromance] Are you being too picky?

By and large I think you are right. The additional thing I would stress, especially for women, is to not let love blind one to extreme flaws in a partner -- that is, those that involve a tendency to hurt people especially ones' self! Sadly, many women have been physically damaged, emotionally scarred, or killed by a man they loved too much to see his dark side.

John S.

In a message dated 6/21/2010 9:47:18 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time, Ms_Black_001@yahoo.com writes:

My opinion of that article is that one shouldn't put off trusting their gut till after they've forced themselves through 2 dates. I trust my intuition and my "gut" from the first moment.

As for settling for someone - either you're in love with someone, or you're not. Either they inspire adoration, excitement, loyalty, desire, in you - or whatever it is you most want to feel about a mate - or they don't. Either they become a priority in your life because they're always in your thoughts and plans and heart, or they don't. Would you want someone to "settle" for *you*?

Regarding listing the qualities you're looking for, I think that listing those privately can be a very good idea. It's like creative manifestation. You focus on what you want in your life, and writing it down helps to make it happen.

Still, when you're making a list of qualities, it's all theoretical, till you're looking at a specific, real person. Until you've gotten face to face, in person, with the individual, you can't really tell.

A person could be physically attractive and a good person, and a really interesting person, they could match all sorts of qualities on a list, and still not be the person for you, as a mate.

--- On Sun, 6/20/10, Khwan <khwan@khwan.com> wrote:

From: Khwan <khwan@khwan.com>
Subject: [asianamericanromance] Are you being too picky?
To: asianamericanromance@yahoogroups.com
Date: Sunday, June 20, 2010, 1:16 PM

OK...here is a good topic for the Group Members here.

Do you think it is possible to be too picky in a relationship?

Do you think you are too picky in looking for a relationship?

Have you seen other people being too picky in looking for a relationship?

Comments about the article below?

KHWAN

Are you being too picky?

Me: otherwise easygoing SF, 29, in desirable neighborhood near excellent schools and world-class cheese market. You: 31-36, Ivy League (except Penn), minimum 5' 10", maximum 180 lbs., pectoral-to- waist ratio .33; fiscal conservative/ social liberal; profession: law, medicine, banking (employer must have innovative paternity leave policy); hobbies: pan-Asian cooking, helping the needy, foot rubs; civil to (but not "friends" with) ex-girlfriends (maximum: 2); informed, witty, self-starter: equally comfortable chatting at state dinners and changing tires. Send introductory email along with photo, high school and college transcripts, 3 recommendations (1 academic, 1 professional, 1 non-threatening friend-girl) plus two 750-word essays on the topics: (1) "A Man of Quality is Not Threatened By A Woman For Equality" and (2) "Why I Always Share My Feelings."

Your online profile may not look exactly like that, but for some people — and you know who you are — it sends out the exact same vibe. According to some dating experts, there's a "picky" pandemic: women (and men, too, but to a lesser degree) with impossible-to- meet standards who wear their massive checklists on their sleeves. Women who are…well, still inexplicably single. Does this sound even a little bit like you? If so, how do you manage your expectations without selling yourself short?

First, a disclaimer. At some level, you should be picky. After all, if your goal is marriage, we're talking about the one person you're going to spend the rest of your life with; being a little choosy goes a long way. Look at the tales of divorce, infidelity, domestic violence, serially crappy relationships — not to mention uncomfortable weddings where you know something's off and it probably won't last. Arguably, plenty of people aren't picky enough.

Bottom line? "People are looking for the wrong things," says Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough. "You should have high standards. But people are too picky about the things that are not important — and not picky enough about the things that are."

So, then, how do you determine what is truly important and what isn't? Many people are willing to concede — or, at least, they know they should concede — that looks, really, are only skin deep. Yet they still, explicitly or reflexively, rule out (for example) short guys, tall girls or people with weird laughs. "They say things like, `That's just not what I'm attracted to,'" says dating coach Evan Marc Katz, author of Why You're Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad. "But maybe attraction isn't the most important thing." That doesn't mean you give up on lust, passion, or even simple chemistry. It just means you may not feel it like a lightning bolt when you walk into the First Date Café and that you should at least give it a chance to develop — even with people you may not consider your "type."

Why? Because then you can focus on what is important. Not the person "on paper" or in a vacuum, but on the relationship you can potentially build with someone. "If you say, `Grandma, what's the secret of your relationship? ' she doesn't say, `Grandpa is smoking hot,'" Katz says. "It's the `boring' stuff. The trust, laughter, honesty, compassion and shared values. You need to remember that you're making an investment for 40 years, not three months. Who's going stick by you to raise children or when you get sick or a parent dies? That's the character stuff that only partially reveals itself on date one. You need to look at what's going to endure after the initial `thrill' is gone."

Gottlieb agrees. She herself wound up falling for a guy who — had she not ultimately followed her own advice — she would have ruled out based on his profile photo alone. "What kind of a dork wears a bow tie?" she initially thought, but, pushing past her prejudices, she found out the offending accessory was part of a story about his family that made her like him even more. And even if there hadn't been a great story, Gottlieb says, it still would have been fine: "So what, a little fashion faux pas? Is that the kind of thing that makes your marriage unhappy?"

So if you're in need of some too-picky therapy, think of it this way: you're not lowering your standards; you're expanding them. Here's how:

Edit your checklist. You are allowed only three essential requirements and none of them can be physical attributes. For example: "Kind to others, intellectually curious, likes animals" — or if you're not into pets, "wants children" (as far as you can tell on date #1).
Go on a second date. Anyone who passes your three-point checklist gets to date #2. Anyone.
Broaden your "type" but trust your gut. If after two dates you honestly can't see it — e.g., you struggle for conversation, you clash on a moral principle — you may let it go without guilt. After all, you've got to make time for all the new possibilities you've now opened up for yourself.

__._,_.___

__,_._,___

[asianamericanromance] Learning to Love question

This question was inspired by the "Are you being too picky?" post.

Are Asians more likely to learn to love each other in a new relationship than N. Americans (USA actually) or Europeans?

One of the things I like about some cutures is the willingness and ability to learn to overcome difficulty setting aside what might be egotistic or arrogant demands. Do you agree that is part of Asian culture?

It SEEMS Couples / Marriage in the USA today are more like a test run till something better comes along. If there is little comittment there will be little longevity and less love.

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Re: [asianamericanromance] Are you being too picky?

My opinion of that article is that one shouldn't put off trusting their gut till after they've forced themselves through 2 dates. I trust my intuition and my "gut" from the first moment.

As for settling for someone - either you're in love with someone, or you're not. Either they inspire adoration, excitement, loyalty, desire, in you - or whatever it is you most want to feel about a mate - or they don't. Either they become a priority in your life because they're always in your thoughts and plans and heart, or they don't. Would you want someone to "settle" for *you*?

Regarding listing the qualities you're looking for, I think that listing those privately can be a very good idea. It's like creative manifestation. You focus on what you want in your life, and writing it down helps to make it happen.

Still, when you're making a list of qualities, it's all theoretical, till you're looking at a specific, real person. Until you've gotten face to face, in person, with the individual, you can't really tell.

A person could be physically attractive and a good person, and a really interesting person, they could match all sorts of qualities on a list, and still not be the person for you, as a mate.

--- On Sun, 6/20/10, Khwan <khwan@khwan.com> wrote:

From: Khwan <khwan@khwan.com>
Subject: [asianamericanromance] Are you being too picky?
To: asianamericanromance@yahoogroups.com
Date: Sunday, June 20, 2010, 1:16 PM

OK...here is a good topic for the Group Members here.

Do you think it is possible to be too picky in a relationship?

Do you think you are too picky in looking for a relationship?

Have you seen other people being too picky in looking for a relationship?

Comments about the article below?

KHWAN

Are you being too picky?

Me: otherwise easygoing SF, 29, in desirable neighborhood near excellent schools and world-class cheese market. You: 31-36, Ivy League (except Penn), minimum 5' 10", maximum 180 lbs., pectoral-to- waist ratio .33; fiscal conservative/ social liberal; profession: law, medicine, banking (employer must have innovative paternity leave policy); hobbies: pan-Asian cooking, helping the needy, foot rubs; civil to (but not "friends" with) ex-girlfriends (maximum: 2); informed, witty, self-starter: equally comfortable chatting at state dinners and changing tires. Send introductory email along with photo, high school and college transcripts, 3 recommendations (1 academic, 1 professional, 1 non-threatening friend-girl) plus two 750-word essays on the topics: (1) "A Man of Quality is Not Threatened By A Woman For Equality" and (2) "Why I Always Share My Feelings."

Your online profile may not look exactly like that, but for some people — and you know who you are — it sends out the exact same vibe. According to some dating experts, there's a "picky" pandemic: women (and men, too, but to a lesser degree) with impossible-to- meet standards who wear their massive checklists on their sleeves. Women who are…well, still inexplicably single. Does this sound even a little bit like you? If so, how do you manage your expectations without selling yourself short?

First, a disclaimer. At some level, you should be picky. After all, if your goal is marriage, we're talking about the one person you're going to spend the rest of your life with; being a little choosy goes a long way. Look at the tales of divorce, infidelity, domestic violence, serially crappy relationships — not to mention uncomfortable weddings where you know something's off and it probably won't last. Arguably, plenty of people aren't picky enough.

Bottom line? "People are looking for the wrong things," says Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough. "You should have high standards. But people are too picky about the things that are not important — and not picky enough about the things that are."

So, then, how do you determine what is truly important and what isn't? Many people are willing to concede — or, at least, they know they should concede — that looks, really, are only skin deep. Yet they still, explicitly or reflexively, rule out (for example) short guys, tall girls or people with weird laughs. "They say things like, `That's just not what I'm attracted to,'" says dating coach Evan Marc Katz, author of Why You're Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad. "But maybe attraction isn't the most important thing." That doesn't mean you give up on lust, passion, or even simple chemistry. It just means you may not feel it like a lightning bolt when you walk into the First Date Café and that you should at least give it a chance to develop — even with people you may not consider your "type."

Why? Because then you can focus on what is important. Not the person "on paper" or in a vacuum, but on the relationship you can potentially build with someone. "If you say, `Grandma, what's the secret of your relationship? ' she doesn't say, `Grandpa is smoking hot,'" Katz says. "It's the `boring' stuff. The trust, laughter, honesty, compassion and shared values. You need to remember that you're making an investment for 40 years, not three months. Who's going stick by you to raise children or when you get sick or a parent dies? That's the character stuff that only partially reveals itself on date one. You need to look at what's going to endure after the initial `thrill' is gone."

Gottlieb agrees. She herself wound up falling for a guy who — had she not ultimately followed her own advice — she would have ruled out based on his profile photo alone. "What kind of a dork wears a bow tie?" she initially thought, but, pushing past her prejudices, she found out the offending accessory was part of a story about his family that made her like him even more. And even if there hadn't been a great story, Gottlieb says, it still would have been fine: "So what, a little fashion faux pas? Is that the kind of thing that makes your marriage unhappy?"

So if you're in need of some too-picky therapy, think of it this way: you're not lowering your standards; you're expanding them. Here's how:

Edit your checklist. You are allowed only three essential requirements and none of them can be physical attributes. For example: "Kind to others, intellectually curious, likes animals" — or if you're not into pets, "wants children" (as far as you can tell on date #1).

Go on a second date. Anyone who passes your three-point checklist gets to date #2. Anyone.

Broaden your "type" but trust your gut. If after two dates you honestly can't see it — e.g., you struggle for conversation, you clash on a moral principle — you may let it go without guilt. After all, you've got to make time for all the new possibilities you've now opened up for yourself.

__._,_.___

__,_._,___

Asian American Romance

Re: [asianamericanromance] How to Get Your Ex-Back

How to Get Your Ex-Back

Re: [asianamericanromance] Re:Are you being too picky?

[asianamericanromance] How to Get Your Ex-Back

How to Get Your Ex-Back

RE: [asianamericanromance] Re:Are you being too picky?

[asianamericanromance] Re:Are you being too picky?

Re: [asianamericanromance] Are you being too picky?

Are you being too picky?

[asianamericanromance] Learning to Love question

Re: [asianamericanromance] Are you being too picky?

Are you being too picky?

Romance Archive