Asian American Romance: 12/29/10

Reasonable questions and well asked.

Everyone is different as is every relationship.

Depending on how long you’ve been corresponding; you now simply must take the leap and get on a jet plane and go meet her.

Plan to stay close by or at her house; that’s the best way to assess her life and that of her family.

Don’t leave without meeting the extended family. And don’t be going with a booty call in mind.

For example: ME! (tad da!); I corresponded for about 6 months; went to meet her and stayed with her family.

We had this little entourage of family or local kids always following us(had to see the white devil; right).

I was truly impressed with what I saw; no sibling rivalry; no arguing or pettiness within the family; truly a juxtaposition to the typical NA family.

That was truly the opposite of the family I grew up in and I made the decision that I had to do whatever it was to become a part of that way of life.

So: 3 more years of writing and jockeying for a position with my employer put me back in Canada where I could sponsor her.

We were married; 15 years now with 2 boys. She has her own business and just became a citizen.

Never an argument; ever.

You write “…she is 36) And she has a 5 year……… all very nice and seemingly traditional in values……..”.

I must comment: it is sad to see that divorce (for both of you) “is all very nice and seemingly traditional in values”

While it’s good to see you’ve become adjusted to your divorced status: it’s a sad commentary on NA culture that this is “traditional”.

The statistics for the failure of 2^nd marriages is very high; likely +70%. Go into this knowing that.

It will be increased with both of you already having failed marriages. ie: Been there; done that; O.K. & easier to do it again.

However: all is not lost. An article I read (before I took the plunge) provided the statistic that only 2% of the out-of-country

marriages failed as compared to a 56% failure of in-country 1^st marriages. of course that’s old intel; like about 20 years old, now.

But anyways: if you’re headed to Vegas: wouldn’t you want a 98% chance of WINNING? That’s’ the opposite of 2% failure rate.

So: if you head into this with a winning attitude you will certainly increase your chances of it being a success.

There will be adjustments in your life with culture, food, a kidlet, a relationship and the pressure of a new life style.

You will have to face your own difficulties and hers as well (moving to a new country/culture/way of life).

For me: the biggest and hardest was my wife opening the utility bills and bank statements(that were now joint accounts).

As odd as it seems: this was a huge hurdle for me. But: there’s something Asian about giving in and being a peace with reality.

I was 42 when I married for the 1^st time; she 32. So your 10-year age gap is likely inconsequential. It’s actually preferred in many Asian communities.

Worked for us. I know one couple: he is like 80 and she is 40.

Remember: you’re NOT saving her from anything: she already has a life. So: when will come to be your partner: treat this relationship in that way.

The biggest question you have is for yourself: are you big enough(inside) to take this on?

If you have doubts and trust issues about this niggling at you all the time: stay single and be prepared for lots of TV re-runs by

your lonesome or with like-minded buddies at the retirement home in less than 20 years.

I can say our relationship (for me) was like winning a lottery and continues to be so.

I can also say: I know of several (not so many) that are train wrecks in motion.

One guy we know; he insisted his wife just stay at home. The JWs came a knockin’ and that was the end.

In the beginning and all the way to the end: it is you and her who will define your relationship and make it work or not.

Review your past relationship honestly.

Most people define the break-up of a relationship as the point of failure. The realization and break-up is actually the turning point of success.

The relationship failed at the 1^st moment of attraction and all the little concessions and insecurities the relationship were founded on were the failure (of either party to see or admit they existed).

So; do the Buddhist/Confusist /Taosit thing and look inside yourself to know yourself and determine if you have the strength for this endeavor.

It’s mot for the weak nor the indecisive man. Can’t be changing your mind in a few weeks or in a few years. Especially with a 5-year-old in the mix.

Be prepared for her ex to want something in exchange for his daughter leaving China; be prepared to negotiate.

You didn’t mention if you have kids from before. That’s another dynamic consideration.

Oh oh oh ohoo little china girl
Oh oh oh ohoo little china girl

I can’t escape this feeling, with my China Girl
I feel a wreck without my, little China Girl
I hear her heart beating, loud as thunder
Saw the stars crashing

I'm a mess without my little China Girl
Wake up in the morning. Where's my, little China Girl?
I hear our heart's beating, loud as thunder
I saw the stars crashing down

I'm feelin' tragic like I'm Marlon Brando
When I look at my China Girl
I could pretend that nothing really meant too much
When I look at my China Girl

I stumble into town just like a sacred cow
Visions of swastikas in my head
Plans for everyone
It's in the white of my eyes

My little China Girl
You shouldn't mess with me
I'll ruin everything you are
I'll give you television
I'll give you eyes of blue
I'll give you a man who wants to rule the world

And when I get excited
My little China Girl says
Oh baby just you shut your mouth
She says... shh
She says... shh
She says
She says

And when I get excited
My little China Girl says
Oh baby just you shut your mouth
And when I get excited
My little China Girl says
Oh baby just you shut your mouth
She says... shh